The Alabaster Sock

We Will Fight the Threat with Fighting

Posts Tagged ‘Failing to be Funny’

Who is the Worst Gamer Group of All?

Posted by Matt on July 3, 2011

FPS Gamers

Case For: Will yell “Faggot!” at you for fifteen minutes, speaks exclusively in incomprehensible jargon, will either be a rules stickler or a anything-to-win rules breaker, will spawncamp your ass all day

Case Against: Easily defeated by turning your headset off

Fighting Gamers

Case For: Highly elitist, conversations consist of jargon and unfunny in-jokes, obsessive-compulsive about things like controllers, not allowed to have fun, will probably make more money on the tournament circuit than you do actually contributing to society

Case Against: Those Justin Wong combo videos are pretty awesome

JRPG Gamers

Case For: Pretend to be sophisticated despite being functionally illiterate, refuse to play games that are less than 100 hours (where 40 of those hours are spent wandering around, and 50 are spent doing the same thing over and over again), would never pick up a real book in their life, very likely to be an otaku

Case Against: Those 100 hour single-player games means they have very little time to interact with others (and when they do, it’s at cons, which are very easy to avoid)

MMO Gamers

Case For: Addicted to clicking the same buttons over and over again, will spend real money in exchange for game money, make the worst stereotypes of gamers as passive blobs a reality, members of their guilds are probably the closest thing they have to friends, smell bad

Case Against: Same as RPG gamers, except that they don’t even really have cons. Are essentially recluses.

Sonic the Hedgehog Fans

Case For: Either gross furries or colossal man-babies, refuse to recognize that the Genesis games weren’t perfect either, are probably angered that most of the modern games are aimed at (gasp!) children, keep paying attention to the series they apparently love/hate instead of moving on, think the ‘serious’ cartoons/comics should be the model for the games, haven’t figured out that Sonic has always been a marketing-focused character

Case Against: Hm…I think we have a winner here.

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Top Ten News Items at E3 2011

Posted by Matt on June 8, 2011

10. Game media apparently still excited by video games based on the ‘Star Wars’ film series. Leading expert baffled.

9. New trends in gaming: voiceovers in games that approximate the sounds of idiots playing those games (“Oh god! Oh god!” FUUUUUUUCK!”), primary example being the latest in the Tomb Raider series.

8. Some games are announced, but they don’t really exist yet, so what the hell was the point? (I.E. Bioshock for Vita, New Super Smash Bros.)

7. Sony is very, very sorry guys. It will never happen again, cross our hearts hope to die. For serious.

6. Revealed: the first major title for Nintendo’s new console: “A Bird Doing Things”

5. Modern Warfare 3 reveals latest footage of people doing something, and then not doing something for long stretches of time.

4. Newest Sony portable console has a silly name… once you forget that we’ve been playing on a thing called a ‘Playstation’ for 15 years.

3. Gaming’s biggest franchise set to return with Halo 4: The Search for More Money

2. Nintendo reveals that they are making a tablet. Seems weird, although I hear there might be a game console attached to it as well.

1. Xbox now becomes voice-commanded with Bing search. It’s like we’re in the future, except then you realize that the future involves talking to a little plastic box and you say GO AWAY, FUTURE!

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The Funniest Thing to Ever Happen to Me

Posted by Matt on May 28, 2011

I was once framed for a crime.

Let us go back in time…metaphorically. That technology has not been invented yet, silly. The epoch is high school, first or second year (I can’t remember which one it was exactly, but it’s in that general area). First half of high school wasn’t much fun for me; now, I know that’s the norm, but it was difficult for me for a few specific reasons. The main being that I was separated from my best friend of however many years, him being sent to one of the other high schools. Which isn’t to say I was in completely unknown territory; I knew many of the people there, and a few I would even consider close associates. Even so, having to go to school every day without being able to hang out with your regular crew is rough. Throw in the other smarmy assholes you’ll probably find, and it only gets worse. I got better, though.

That really doesn’t have much of a obvious link to the actual story. Maybe it does for the more conspiracy-minded among us, but I find little reason to put that much thought into the events that will be described below. But it’s there for additional context, which can never be a bad thing, right?

Now, for the actual plot. It was a regular school day. I can tell it was a regular school day because I can’t remember anything else of note happening. I’m pretty sure it was during the lunch break. At that point, I was eating my bag lunch on th bench outside the library, where I could quickly finish and then grab one of the rapidly vanishing library computer spots so I could read X-Entertainment or whatever it was I did on the Internet back then. I got called on the intercom to the principal’s office, which was not that far away from the library. Of course, I had no idea why. Was I scared? Confused? Angry at my Internet session being interrupted? Can’t say.

So I get there, and my dad is sitting there. Now, the principal of my high school was a good guy. He even worked at the same university newspaper I’ve spent the last five years bankrupting. Anyway, now I was really confused. So I sat, and we talked. What was going on?

Here’s what was going on: the principal asked me if I had been drawing things on the cafeteria tables. Specifically, if I had been drawing dicks on the cafeteria tables. I barely ever went into the cafeteria, and I certainly had no desire to draw dicks on tables. So I politely said no, and that was that. I feel bad for my dad having to waste his time coming down to the school for this, but it happens.

Now, what would give them the idea that I was drawing dicks on the tables? Apparently, my name was scribbled near the offending ink phalluses. That, even more than the fact that I was accused of drawing dicks by itself, is the funniest part of the story. Someone tried to frame me for this. Someone not only tried to frame me, but also tried to frame me in the most moronic fashion possible.

Who would try to get me in trouble? I don’t know, but it was obviously someone who wasn’t too bright. I really hope they didn’t go on to commit further crimes using the same sly methods. I can’t imagine it would go over too well for them if they signed “Hi, John McMichael Did This!” in blood at a murder scene.

That’s it. That’s the story.

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Posted by Matt on May 22, 2011

Summer Plans, 2007:

1) Prepare for incoming adult education
2) Work for money for incoming adult education
3) Raise hell in AMERICA (okay, North Dakota)
4) Go to the Super Smash Bros. Brawl website EVERY WEEKDAY
5) Hang out

Summer Plans, 2008

1) Figure out what I want from year 2 of adult education
2) Work for money, thinking it’s for continuing adult education, but really ends up being used on slurpees and bubble gum because year 2 of adult education ends up being pretty much free anyway (thank you, sliding scholarship standards)
3) Try to get into to university newspaper as an actual editor this time.
4) Marvel at how unbroken my laptop is after a whole fucking month in the shop. Proceed to crack the hinges again.
5) Hang out, make nachos

Summer Plans, 2009

1) Contemplate the final year of adult education, what the future holds
2) Work for money for final year of adult education and BEYOND, move up in the exciting world of grocery retail, feel like a boss
3) Marvel at new laptop, quickly fuck it up to the same levels as previous one
4) Get bored with life, seek a time out of town, new furniture
5) Hang out at my friend’s new crib, want one of my own

Summer Plans, 2010

1) Actually decide where I want to go next, decide that regression is the best solution
2) Find real work, find it, but end up going back to the job I had left anyway
3) Get own place, adult responsibilities, etc.
4) Devote free time to video game forum lurking
5) Hang out for escapism purposes

Summer Plans, 2011

1) Get out of bed every once in a while, maybe

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Christmas Post 3/12

Posted by Matt on December 16, 2010

NOG

NOG

NOG

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Posted by Matt on October 10, 2010

10 10s, 10-10-10

10 BC
A song from the Pearl Jam album Ten
Ten Dracula
Ghost Rider #10
Ten Little Rubber Ducks
The Tenth Animorphs is called ‘The Android’
Top Ten – kickboxing equipment
An article from ten years ago – Clinton to Sign China trade bill Tuesday
My tenth blog post
Silver Blast Goggles for $10

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Posted by Matt on September 28, 2010

My dad is running for a City Councillor position next month. I have thus been looking for people on the Internets talking about him and his campaign. So far, nothing of particular interest.

There is this, though.

Seems CTV is well underestimating its Winnipeg audience.

Brandon is the second-largest city in Manitoba. Also known as “Westman,” it is located in the province’s southwest, on the Assiniboine River.

All their Winnipeg readers are all like ‘Another place in Manitoba? ABSURD!’ before running to their atlases and seeing that it is true, popping their monocles in the process.

Let’s look at what they have to say about the candidates:

(For Mayor)

Nickolas Avlonitis
Information about this candidate is currently unavailable.

I’d say that’s probably not a good thing.

Henry Hansen
Henry Hansen is a homemaker raising a young daughter in Brandon.

Just OOZING with qualifications there.

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Conspiracy Theory Rock

Posted by Matt on July 14, 2010

http://www.scribd.com/doc/403303/The-Revelations-of-an-Elite-Family-Insider-2005

Highlights:

Q: I have no questions. I do however have a statement. The time of reckoning is at hand.
A: It is not

OH SNAP

Q: 1). Don´t you get sick and tired of the lack of real quality in the Music and the Movies?
With your power/money/influence why do you not prime the pump with some really good stuff?

A: 1. The ones who search hard will find the gems in Music, in fact they are out in the open.
It is not our duty to enlighten you, that is yours.
We hand out the tools that can be used in the way you choose to, “good or bad”.

Ahahahahahaha

Q: Do you think Insider that
This current battle is in two stages. Now, on the etheric. And, a thousand years from now, on the
astral, once all the HEart people have dropped their physical bodies and HAVE GRADUATED TO
HIGHER LIFE FORMS, THE NEXT BEING THE ASTRAL. Then,
The whole show starts all over again, with different players.

A: You are confusing a few matters. There is just 1 struggle and it is now, here on this planet and on a personal level….meaning you
only.
There is no enemy you can attack except yourself.
If you are busy attacking something else, you are wasting precious energy and you will fail.
If you succeed, there will be no struggle anymore

Is he telling them to kill themselves? I hope so!

I am real

Thanks for reminding me. I was starting to believe otherwise.

Q: And why do you misspell simple words such as ´malicious´? I find that very interesting.

A: English is not my native language, not even my second nor third, maybe fourth and I type fast
without checking so I can answer as many questions as possible in a limited amount of time.
On top of this I just realized I have to type even faster because the proxies I use disappear.

Oh sure, I haven’t heard that excuse before…

Q: are you a Rothschild? Here is my question, although petty in light of the many questions posed to you on this thread, why aren´t the any of the Rothschilds listed in Forbes top 500 richest people.

A: If you read closely you would have not asked this question.
The ones who are known in public are not in control, the Rothschilds are at the same level as
your Knights Templar ancestors were….you shouldn´t be proud that you are from that lineage by
the way….

Second, you accepting Forbes as a reliable source for these kind of lists shows you are easily manipulated and do not grasp what is happening

Finally, something we can agree on.

The rule is:
If promoted/praised/applauded/critically acclaimed/free, be very wary.
Be it food, medicines, latest technological product, “artist”, politician, musician, book, show,
beverage, etc.
Some of these allegedly “stand the test of time”, that is orchestrated for a reason.
Problem is if too wary, you could miss a few gems that are deliberately passed on in between the
manipulation tools by some.

I now read My Year of Flops very differently.

Q: If the “Christ” came in another era, why did he fail his mission?

A: Be careful with what you say, you are harming yourself.
The real Christ did It´s duty fully and succesfully, now it is your turn.
If you fail do not blame The Divine.
Divinity is blameless in Earthly matters.
When you get sunburned, do you blame the Sun which maintains life on Earth and beyond or do you blame yourself for laying hours doing nothing on the beach without protection

Yeah! Dumbass.

Why leave after just a few days when the goal of a hoaxer would be attention or misinfo, stretching it
for weeks, months and longer like others do?

This dude doesn’t know trolls like I do, it seems.

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Posted by Matt on May 28, 2010

Apparently the latest movie punching bag is Sex and the City 2. I don’t know much about the show or the previous movie, but I think I get the gist if it enough to know that a plot involving the consumerist zombie protagonists going to Abu Dhabi is a strange thing indeed. It reminds me of the kinds of plots that journeymen screenwriters churn out for every feature-length adaptation of something that can not sustain a story beyond 30 minutes. Sitcoms, board games, silly cartoon characters, you name it.

So, if you have to write a movie script for one of the above, here’s a helpful list of story ideas that no one other than me will call you out on reusing:

* (X) go on world adventure/road trip across America, get involved with jewel thieves/smugglers
* (X) ‘s home is threatened by greedy real estate developer
* (X) inadvertently carry around top secret government technology, government tries to get it back from them
* (X) save the environment from evil corporation (not just greedy or negligent, but worse than Hitler)
* (X) get involved with the Mafia. Not the real Mafia, some cartoon bullshit version.
* (X) do the exact opposite of what they normally do, realize how wrong they are, and then go back to the status quo
* (X) get involved with some stupid regicide plot by the Duke of Dickface or whatever
* (X) go to another planet/dimension where ‘more epic’ things can happen
* (X) save/meet the President
* (X) are stranded on a desert island

Posted in Nobody Cares, Observations | Tagged: , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Posted by Matt on March 10, 2010

Here I stand before you, Enemy of the Internet.

A few months back, I decided to rip off Weekend Web and other things I like to read on the Internet. To give it a local flavour, I decided to pick on my city’s (in)famous web portal.

This is the result of that.

They vary in quality. It took me a bit to start finding the really good stuff.

But anyway, the reason why this is important, aside from the fact that I finally got off my ass and posted those articles online, is that I’m also being noticed by the victim. The admin comparing it to eavesdropping on people’s conversations in a public space seems to be off-base, unless he doesn’t understand how the Internet works. It’s also different in that IT ISN’T FUCKING CREEPY.

Posted in In My Life, Leinks, Nobody Cares, Writin' & Other Creativity | Tagged: , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »