The Alabaster Sock

We Will Fight the Threat with Fighting

A List

Posted by Matt on March 1, 2011

Well, now that that’s over with, back to fun.

You know what’s coming out Sunday? I’ll give you a hint (by which I mean I’ll link to the answer).

To celebrate the incoming POKEYMAN games, Ill do something special. As the games introduce 156 new monsters, I decided that I’ll go through them all and pick the 25 (plus a few extras, as you’ll see) that really stand out. Yep, here are the coolest things to come out a game for 10-year-olds that I will also be buying:

Emboar & Samurott

Let’s start with the starts, shall we? Yep, when you start in the game, you can choose either a cute piggy or a cute baby sea otter (as well as a cute snake-lizard thing) that will eventually turn into these two things. From the outset, you can see why these things are cool: one’s a hulking pig-man, the other a nondescript marine mammal with a Narwhal-inspired helmet (as its name suggests, it is in fact a samurai, and the two things on it shoulders are actually swords it can pull out for battle. For reals). But the real reason they are among the coolest new critters. Four words: Bad. Ass. Facial. Hair.
Seriously. Emboar not only has a beard, but a beard MADE OF FIRE (which is even more impressive than those guys who have beards made of live bees). Samurott has the exact kind of awesome old man mustache and goatee combo you expect from the old general type in a samurai flick. This is, of course, why they rank, and their smooth-as-butter compatriot Serperior does not. Reptiles will never know.

Herdier

Most of the time, early-game Pokemon are kind of blah. This is, of course, because no players need some punching bags to get ready for the road ahead, and although you can catch and use them, they’re really only filler until the really cool monsters show up. At least in Black & White, some of the early critters have some charm to them, like Herdier here.
Herdier starts out as a little Yorkie, and ultimately becomes very shaggy (with a long dog mustache to boot, to continue the facial hair theme). You may ask, “Well, what’s so cool about a normal-looking dog?”. But the fact that it is a normal looking dog (a Scottie, at that) is what endears it. Among a cabal of mutant freaks, it’s cool just to have a dog rush in and be able to beat the shit out of them.

Excadrill

Moles just make the most perfect cartoon animals, you know? This guy’s kid form exemplifies that, continuing the tradition of Mr. Mole and Bottles from Banjo-Kazooie. And then it turns into this monstrosity, an angry cartoon mole with either a drill or a shovel atop its head, to show that it means business. DIGGIN’ business. NOW who’s near-sighted, fucker?

Woobat

The first time I saw Woobat, I thought of how it reminded me of how they use to draw cartoon hippies, hillbillies, and cavemen (not a whole lot of difference between them, you know). Other than that, a bat is a bat is a bat; this one just happens to stick to cave walls with its nose, which leave cute heart-shaped marks on things. Gotta dig that snaggletoothed grin, though. Its evolution is pretty lovable, too.

Timburr

I don’t know if it was an intentional theme or not, but there seems to be a lot of Pokemon in these games that have a much greater connection to humanity than previous. Some disguise themselves as household objects (as you’ll see), some have started wearing clothes (as you’ll see very soon), and some are literally living garbage, for real. Timburr here steals planks of wood from construction sites to use as weapons. As it gets older, it graduates to heavier and heavier objects to hit enemies with. Bringing a steel girder to a fight? That’s about as badass as one can get, really.

Throh and Sawk


As I mentioned before, some of the Pokemon in this game look suspiciously human. These two even wear clothes; so how do the humans know that these are actually Pokemon, and not an offshoot of humanity? Are humans in the Pokemon world also Pokemon? It’s best not to ponder these things.

As one can tell, these two are counterparts. Throh, the red one, is a Judo practitioner; Sawk, the blue one, is a karate master. They seem to be of the Bert and Ernie mold. We’ve had fighting Pokemon before, but never fighting Pokemon that utilize a real world martial art and also wear gis. Also, their noses and eyebrows appear to be the same thing. Need I go on?

Scolipede

Centipedes are among the most frightening animals in the world. And now there’s a centipede Pokemon. Its in-game sound is appropriately horrible.

Whimsicott

Oh come on: you want to hug this thing. It’s a little cotton sheep! It evolves from a little ball of cotton. You just can’t get more adorable than this.

Krookodile

This is a bipedal crocodile who has evolved to look like the Hamburglar. ‘Nuff said.

Scraggy

Just look at this:

Who even needs to know what the hell this thing is supposed to be? LOOK AT THAT!

(It’s also pretty cool that its evolution, aside from having a mohawk made of tubes, is wearing its pre-evolved form’s shed skin as a hoodie)

Crustle

The games included quite a few cool takes on animals that had yet to be Pokemon-ified. One of the big examples here is this dude, who is a hermit crab. With a shell made from one large chunk of earth. Love it.

Cofragigus

Okay, this is just awesome. Living in a sarcophagus? Check. Multiple shadow arms? Check. Sinister grin? That’s a big check. This thing is flawless.

Archeops

Like the hermit crab, an Archaeopteryx Pokemon was due. And here it is! And it’s as good an Archaeopteryx Pokemon as one could ask for. Its pre-evolution is kind of cute, too.

Vanillish

Yes, this is indeed an ice cream cone Pokemon. And why not? Ice cream can be just as effective an offensive device as anything else if it put its mind to it. You go, ice cream Pokemon! Show those detractors what you’re made of! (Hint: It’s ice cream)

Sawsbuck

A stag Pokemon works fine. But a stag Pokemon whose antlers become different kinds of trees based on the season? A winner is you.

Escavalier & Accelgor

These Pokemon have a special relationship (hahaha laugh it up): to evolve into both of them, one must trade their pre-evolutions for eachother. It’s a very neat concept: in the transition, the little beetle sheds its skin and steals the snail’s shell, thus somehow becoming a knight (with frilly helmet and not one but TWO lance arms). Not fit to simply sulk in the corner over its loss, the snail makes due with what is now has: wearing the tattered exoskeleton, it becomes A NINJA. It’s brilliant concepts like this that reminds me why those Japanese guys, you know their names, make Pokemon and I don’t.

Klink

It’s the simple things that sometimes work the best. This is a pair of gears with goofy faces. Who needs anything else? Well, apparently they did, because as they evolve, they become increasingly bizarre machines. But even so, at heart, they are still a pair of clockwork gears that fight things. It works.

Chandelure

Continuing the theme of inanimate objects becoming Pokemon, here is a ghost chandelier, who was once a ghost candle and ghost lantern. Ghosts tend to do things like this, as seen in the brilliant documentary Amityville 4: The Evil Escapes. The Pokedex also states that it eats souls. Good on it.

Haxorus

There’s always a couple of cool-looking Dragon Pokemon in each new set. This one, with its set of axe-like tusks, looks like an Ultraman monster. This is a good thing.

Beartic

Hey, yeah, beards are back! To compliment Emboar’s fire beard, here we have a polar bear with an ice beard. The list could end here, as we have obviously come full circle, but there’s still more to come.

Mienshao

Again, these guys seem to think of things that never would have even crossed my mind. Here is a weasel/Shaolin monk fusion, complete with sweet kung-fu sleeves. I for one think that kung-fu sleeves (and scarves) are vastly underrated.

Golurk

Robot!

Okay, it’s more of a golem, but golems are also cool. It’s a golem that is being controlled by a ghost, which explains the band-aid on its chest.

Wait, if it is actually a robot, that would make it a ghost-robot, right?

Bouffalant

Okay, like, what possessed them to do this? I love it, but I have to ask where the inspiration came from. Is it because bison already have curly hair? That’s still kind of a stretch to a bison with a full-on ‘fro. And what appears to be bling adorning its horns.

You know what? I’m just going to leave this.

Hydreigon

And to end off the countdown, we have the last ‘normal’ Pokemon in the new Pokedex. It has three heads, two of which are its hands, like evil sock puppets. Its previous forms had Ringo Starr haircuts, which have apparently ‘bloomed’. Are they implying we can expect Ringo to bloom in a similar fashion sometime in the future? I’d like to see that. I’d hang it up on me wall.

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2 Responses to “A List”

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